HORN BLOWS TUNELESSLY
HORN BLOWS LOUDLY
Absolute bargain from Aunty Wainwright's.
I got genuine hog's hair shaving brush to go with my electric razor.
An authentic historical artefact.
The hunting horn of Sir Guy of Yorkshire.
Known and feared locally as Sir Big Guy of Yorkshire.
Oh, I think I've met him.
He's the guy who keeps the door at the Nag's Head.
Don't scoff.
I have a signed certificate of authenticity.
Signed by who?
Sir Big Guy himself.
Oh, if he can write, he's not the man who keeps the door at the Nag's Head.
What are you doing over there?
Came by river.
Could one ask why?
I suspected we were being followed in the High Street.
I have a nose for these things.
Always listen to your nose.
Sooner than to anybody else's, I agree.
HORN BLOWS LOUDLY
Shut that noise!
If you want to blow your brains out, be my guest, but not round here.
You sound like the Manchester Express coming through!
I bet you've changed every point as far as Sheffield. Now shut it!
Why is that tormented creature so unhappy?
She's a bit fierce on account of stopping smoking.
Just be thankful she wasn't in bad mood.
She gets worse?
You daren't look.
Which is great for security purposes.
She scares burglars.
She scares me and I'm inscrutable.
HORN BLOWS
Is that not truly stirring?
Does that not say "Merry England"?
Chivalry, colour, knights, ladies.
Black Death.
You're inclined to be morose with wet feet. I've noticed this before.
Entwistle does not do good wet.
Mother said stay dry.
Ah-ha. You had a mother, see.
I had to cope alone.
All I've got is a horn.
But no matter. It shall be a great horn.
What are you going to do with it? Do with it? I'm going to blow it.
Ho-ho. The hills will resound to the horn of Sir Big Guy of Yorkshire,
inventor of the flat cap, breeder of whippets to the courts of Europe.
Aunty told you that, did she? She has all the details.
Show him certificate.
Blah blah blah...
"By loyalty and daring he rose to be Keeper of the King's Ferrets
"until foully slain one black day at a tripe tasting in Pontefract.
"The only time he was without his horn."
Read it.
Shouldn't this be on vellum?
He was from Yorkshire. He was economising.
He didn't spend much on his ballpoint either.
If he'd had this with him on that fateful day, it could have saved him.
And now, where this failed for Sir Big Guy, let it serve for us.
This will be our rallying call.
HE BLOWS TUNELESSLY
HE COUGHS
One lung's never been the same since I was forced to go for weeks
without a vest while undercover as an Eskimo.
I was spying on Russian movements in the Arctic Circle.
Without his vest.
I used it for bandaging an injured polar bear.
Aw!
We used it to infiltrate their defences.
So somewhere in the Arctic Circle is a loyal polar bear wearing your vest.
Only strips of it.
Now, listen up.
This henceforward will be our signal.
Oh, lucky us!
HE BLOWS THE HORN
KNOCKING ON CEILING
Poor soul. How sad.
A bundle of frustrations.
Not bad at nasty as well.
The woman needs some joy in her life.
Doesn't do joy. Does menace.
Well, we must do something for this woman.
Why are we here if not to spread a little happiness?
Minding own business springs to mind.
Suffering humanity is our business.
I never knew that. Did you know that?
Nobody told me.
I've just told you.
Relax. I'll steer you through. And this time with your vest.
Never leaves my side.
How is polar bear?
Oh, fine.
We still write occasionally.
Polar bear writes?
No, it can't write. It just sends its pad-mark on a postcard.
What does it do for stamps?
That's still classified.
A polar bear that writes!
Morning, you two.
Feels like we're almost neighbours.
I seem to be nearly living here now.
What are you doing here at this hour?
Oh, Toby lets me help him. At this hour?
Only if I keep quiet.
He's still in bed.
Oh.
It's you that starts these rumours.
Good morning, Glenda.
Good morning, Toby.
Barry.
Good morning, my captain.
Don't overdo it. It's only golf.
He's not docking the QE2.
And what little goodies are you planning for breakfast, Morton?
I thought...cereal.
No.
No, you weren't planning cereal.
I see you as someone planning sausage and bacon.
And a few baked beans, I think, don't you?
The newly-divorced man's best friend.
Why does Morton do it?
Morton loves to be needed.
Morton has needs of his own. We shouldn't interfere.
Yes, we should.
Just what I was thinking.
Right now, I want you to memorise this signal.
I want it engraving on your mind.
This will be our signal.
We've got a signal. I bet you didn't know that, did you?
Can we exchange it for cash?
You may learn to like having a signal.
It could be company for your hog's hair shaving brush.
I told her I use electric razor.
I bet you were surprised when you found you'd bought a shaving brush.
She tried it first on my face.
"Of course," she said, "it has to be wet."
And you were. Yes.
Off!
Never mind all this babbling.
Can I have your attention?
Now, I propose one long, sustained note,
and when you hear the horn go "brr-brr, brr-brr"
that means, "To me, team, now."
You drop everything.
HE BLOWS THE HORN LOUDLY
CAR CRASHES
Morton always looks so lonely.
He's got Toby. He's got Toby's washing, ironing and gardening.
Morton loves it.
He should have someone of his own.
He needs a good woman.
We ought to find him one.
He couldn't keep the one he had.
Then it's time he had a good one.
I'm not getting involved in anyone's private life.
Barry! No, I tell a lie.
I am going to get involved in somebody's private life.
That's my boy!
HORN BLOWS IN THE DISTANCE
We're going to have to bung that thing up.
Him or horn?
We should start with him.
He could be man with silent horn.
As you would expect for the Secret Service.
HORN CONTINUES
I've been thinking...
We heard you.
No good comes from thinking, and we invented thinking.
When one's had the good fortune to know true love...
Is this the leg you buried in Siberia?
I don't think so.
You don't know?
How many legs you bury?
My memory's been interfered with.
You know I get confused.
There was Maris.
I thought for a while my true love was Maris.
It was a lovely name.
I knew it meant something to me.
You were in love with a Maris?
I'd awake from a dream whispering her name. Maris.
Who was she?
What had we meant to each other?
Are we still in the Arctic Circle?
No.
They don't have names like Maris.
They're all called Ug or Yek.
Sounds like the guys in the Nag's Head.
Who was the lovely Maris?
The name was haunting me. I couldn't sleep.
I bought an orthopaedic mattress.
Are they any good?
You have to persevere.
I recommend you use them along with an anti-allergy pillow.
The other tip - use your regular pillow under the foot.
It helps the circulation.
Get on with story. Where was I?
Your circulation was needing help.
I confess it's true.
If you look closely, I've got a varicose vein just here.
Maybe that's leg you should have buried.
You don't get these from being a milkman.
That comes from the tension of years undercover.
The only undercover you've done is under an electric overblanket.
So who was Maris?
That was another disappointment.
I saw her name once on a market stall.
She was for sale.
Maris Piper.
She was a potato.
You were in love with a potato?
It was a mistake. I can see where it might be.
I didn't know she was a potato.
I thought she was someone I'd spent two magical weeks with in Pontypridd.
Not Maris. Maybe Paris.
You and Paris Hilton.
Talk about birds of a feather.
Maybe you took her to Pontypridd.
Paris Hilton?
I don't think so.
I can't keep those late hours any longer.
If I don't get my sleep, my eyelids twitch.
But I do know in my heart of hearts...I have known love.
You just wish you could remember with who.
It'll come back to me.
But I remember enough to know that everyone should experience the joy of it, and that goes for Stella.
You know Stella.
What is it she's short of in life?
Patience? Wrong. Love.
She needs her own man. She had one.
He drank himself to death.
She needs a drier one.
You went out yesterday.
Well, so did you. Not dressed like that.
We're seeing a bit of the countryside.
It gets us out for an hour.
Where's the harm?
I think it's time I put my foot down.
Yes, you put it down before you put it in your mouth again.
What are people going to think when they see you dressed like that at your age?
Watch it! You're an inch from sudden death.
I don't know who you are any more.
All these years I've been living with a stranger.
And I've been living with stranger than that.
Oh, stop fretting.
I'll be back to get your tea.
So how long's this Stella been like that?
Oh, I try not to notice ladies.
Like what?
Well, like Stella.
Since she stopped smoking.
Although you could say being scary runs in the family.
They were all born like that.
Fully feathered.
Pub landladies are tricky, but when you get one who's stopped smoking...
Like sleeping tiger, only bigger fangs.
She's all right as long as you don't poke your finger through the cage.
Have none of you ever thought of helping the woman? Hey.
I was in the war. I've done my bit!
You can't just leave her like that.
I've never seen anyone so starved of affection.
She needs a partner.
And we know just the chap.
Norris Fairburn.
Married three times and change.
We happen to know he's currently on the market.
You're wicked, you know that, don't you?
You see?
We're helping already.
What about Miss Davenport at the library?
You've lost me. What about her?
For Morton. They're both unattached.
She's not his type.
Let him decide that.
But Morton's so happy up a ladder, splashing about.
Not the same as a good relationship, is it?
I've just trained him in.
Barry, say something.
Yes, Barry. What's your opinion?
Well, yes, definitely.
I think we should...
No question we should...look at this from every angle and...
when you do that, I think it comes down very clearly to, um...to, um...
I don't know.
You do know.
We get him together with Miss Davenport.
I feel compelled to ask, will he still be available to help me round the house?
You'll soon get the hang of looking after yourself.
I can't wait.
Is anybody going to order anything or have you just come for the view?
We're expecting one more.
Oh, ye Gods, I'll have to build an annexe!
You want to see me?
Join us, Norris.
We have a proposition for you.
Norris Fairburn?
Weren't you married to one of Hardwick's lasses? It's possible. I've been around.
You don't look like a serial bridegroom, Norris.
What's your secret, Norris?
The moustache.
Reminds the older ones of Errol Flynn.
Reminds me of hairy caterpillar.
Just what you need under your nose.
You want to buy shaving brush?
Remove this? No way.
Is that the reason for the visit, then?
Do I want to buy a shaving brush?
It could help you get rid of that thing under your nose.
Pay these two no heed, Norris.
They're inclined to be truthful.
Well, you have to ask.
Is this the cutting edge of masculine drawing power?
I'm off duty.
Didn't you used to be the milkman?
You once left me a funny egg.
Also left vest with Eskimos.
He's better with potatoes.
You see how effective my cover was.
They all think all I did was deliver milk.
And funny eggs.
I was incapable of romance for a week.
But are you ready again?
Try me.
Oh... I don't see why...
we can't use the road.
We shall probably never be able to use a road ever again.
Something else to look forward to.
Wherever there's a road there are motorbikes.
But they can't all be Pearl and Nelly.
But we shan't know that till it's too late.
Sometimes, Howard, I think it is too late. They could be anywhere.
Sometimes, Howard, it's necessary to take a few risks.
Although I do hope you won't misunderstand me.
Are you alone, Miss Davenport?
Seems like forever.
Am I alone? You should try it.
On winter nights, I wake at 3.00.
I don't know why. What about summer?
It's light by then.
I wake at 2.11. Every time?
Every time. That's amazing.
Yes, but I'm still alone.
Things could be looking up.
We felt we ought to tell you.
If it's good, yes, you ought.
You have an admirer. It's good!
But continue.
Unattached, good worker, loyal friend.
Pleasant nature, shy with the ladies but willing to learn.
It seems a bit sudden.
I ought to take it slowly.
It's always wise to take these things slowly.
Wise, then you miss opportunities that way.
Send him along. We will send him along.
Yes, let's get it over with.
Preliminaries can be so boring, don't you think?
They will be with this one.
He's fine, but he'll probably be a little shy.
I like that. Well, I'm flexible.
I'll give most things a chance.
How will I know him?
We'll send him to return Barry's library book.
Is it overdue?
Does it matter?
Just tell him he needn't wait for the expiry date.
To be honest, she doesn't sound like my type.
Take a flyer. It's all right you saying that.
I'm the one out there at the sharp end.
Ask him if he plays musical instrument.
I've told you, I can't play a musical instrument.
So how come big hit with ladies?
Yes, I was wondering that.
It's personality, isn't it?
Give us a demonstration.
There's Ivy there. Give over.
You can't just operate cold.
Pull choke out.
Stop winding the man up. I believe he has personality.
I'm convinced. All right, all right.
I'll give you a demonstration.
She's Alvin's neighbour and Alvin will introduce you.
We'll help you break the ice.
Lots of ice. Needs big break.
Pay no attention. They're just being...
Honest. BICYCLE BELL RINGS
Steady on that person!
Sorry. What's the hurry, Morton?
I've got to do Toby's shopping, pick up his laundry and return
the library book for Barry.
Library book? We can do that for you.
We shall be passing the library.
Are you sure? No problem. Oh, thanks.
Don't you think we're a bit old for this sort of thing?
More than a bit.
So why are we doing it?
I felt I had to prove something.
Well, what have you proved?
That motorbikes are colder than they used to be.
My feet noticed that.
I never thought to say it, but thank goodness for a hard surface.
We'll have to hide if we hear a motorbike.
Could that be a ploy, Howard, just to get me behind a bush?
Don't answer straight away.
Think about it.
They've been whispering all afternoon.
They're up to something with Norris Fairburn.
Well, there's only one something he's interested in.
Mmm, women.
And this time, I think it's you.
Me?!
It should better not be me! Oh, they're putting him up to it.
Mr Hobdyke thinks you're lonely.
He thinks you need a man.
What? After watching them from behind a bar for all these years?
He thinks you need a bit of fun in your life. Oh.
He'd like me to have a bit of fun.
I see.
Target sighted.
Bring him in.
What's he gawping at?
He's weird. He was in earlier.
Stella, I'd like to introduce Norris Fairburn.
Oh, I've heard of him.
Married Mabel Slater...for a while.
Is that all there is to him? His eyes must be bigger than his belly.
The profile. Give her the profile.
What's he doing now?
Is he not well?
He was doing it in my kitchen this afternoon.
Then he pulls out a lipstick and smears it on his face.
I can't do with men wearing lipstick.
I'll say this for my Wilf.
When he wore lipstick it belonged to somebody else.
Stella. May I call you Stella?
No.
Dear lady, if I told you that you had an admirer,
I would hope that you would seize the opportunity to end your loneliness.
Go on then, I will.
You will? Yes. Why not?
My mind's made up. I will.
That's it, decision time.
Go for it, Stella.
You're a tad young for me, lad, but who's counting?
Well, he said he wanted me to have a bit of fun.
ENGINE HUMS
We're not giving up.
It's not the Hobdyke way.
You can leave it to us. We'll show you how to give up.
Nonsense. It was just an embarrassing moment.
We can clear that up and try again with Norris.
I just wish this thing were louder.
Still, we'll persevere with this, too.
If we hear it, come running.
That's the spirit. That's my team.
Now wait while I return this library book for Barry.
I've been asked to return this book for Barry. Oh!
Oh, it's you, Mr Hobdyke!
Shall we step through into my office?
ENGINE HUMS
I was hoping to find you here.
HORN BLARES
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd